Saturday, February 28, 2015

February Wrap Up : time-has-stopped-and-I'm-in-weird-nostalgia-limbo

Hi you. I don't know where to begin, because that's what happens when you let all the little things that make you go "OMG I need to blog about this" in your head, pile up. And then you look at that pile and think, nah I'll just let it Usher says.

So I will tend to generalise and come up with a monthly trend thingy here. Also I can't believe I used the words "monthly trend" in my blog, that just sounds wrong, you get the picture though, right? It's been a month of nostalgia.

Sylvia Plath (I like to think of her as my soul sister, well, don't we all) sums it up pretty well. 

 I don't understand it when people get all hectic in February. Do you? 

I mean Februaries are supposed to be calm and a Priscilla Ahn song right? 

"The fish in the sea
Have many things to tell me 
Well what could they be? 
I'll never know I had to go
Because I don't associate with fish
So I continue to roam"

But according to people,  there hasn't been one single thing that I've done correctly this month. Really. I am trying  hard to recall here. But you know what? Nothing. And my whole life started to feel like those Hocus Pocus challenges. Where I need to spot the differences between the ideal world and my world.So eventually...I give up and utter a little whimper because all of this feels fine to me?And then you're shouting  at me and telling  me that  the little boy on the t-shirt of that man in that painting is bending a little more to the left than he should ideally (can't you see? it's so obvious!)

I don't know if I am making sense. I blame the swine flu. I got very sick this week and then I had to get flu shots.It wasn't swine flu though. Just the plague. Or something.  And ever since, I've been craving a bearded Bob Dylan look-alike to croon and sing to me while I sit by the lake and contemplate. Sadly, that ain't happening. 

But what did happen is, I ended up getting stranded and depressed at home. So I cleaned. I am such a hoarder, you guys. I had notes and stuff that I'd somehow accumulated from my Undergraduate years. My School leaving diaries...birthday cards from class 4...passport size photos of a friend(I suppose we were applying for entrance exams together) was so weird going through all of that, it felt like in that corner of my room, time had somehow stopped. Or you could just say I'm super lazy and never cleaned and put these treasures aside in a safe all this time. Shame on me. But I've had enough of that for now. 

And just when I was beginning to feel heart-broken and alone, my friend sent me  this picture of us doing the march past at school. I guess she had her time-has-stopped-and-I'm-in-weird-nostalgia-limbo moment too. 

It's like we're marching towards the apocalypse 

I am the one that looks like Gerard Manley Hopkins. 
Gerard Manley Hopkins. 

And somehow, all of me through this month. Instead of pining for the glory days gone by, I kind of feel strong in knowing that I was part of something special. A part of tiny bits and pieces of notes and memories that piled up high enough to drive an ailing future self with nothing better to do to,  to shrug and sort through it all, all over again and wonder if this is one Hocus Pocus Challenge she'd always win: In knowing what was truly ideal..and what isn't. 

Thursday, January 29, 2015

A Probable Quarter Life Crisis Manifestation. Or Something. :)

Hello... you've been very patient with me. I've had page visits of  posts I wrote when I started this blog? And sometimes I look at these and I'm all sheesh, what was I thinking? And now I have this terrible urge to delete everything and start afresh. But I know I'm just going to start writing about the same things again, and it will feel like deja vu (or whatever the correct spelling is). This blog is a lesson and a reminder that everything eventually must repeat itself. 

I spent the long Republic Day weekend alone at home as mom was traveling for a Pediatric conference. And I liked it, an unhealthy amount. Not the conference, the me- locking- myself- up- at- home,- reading- Gone- Girl-  and- pretending- we're- both- on- our- best-versions- of- vacation bit. (Technically, I get that it wasn't really a vacay for mom but she went to Delhi, and shopped. A LOT. So by her standards, it was definitely one)

So.... I've been feeling like bits of paper lately.Very.very.inert. There are 10 million things that I could be doing right now and that's paralysing me, the fact that there are 10 million things to do. 

Weird thing though? People are relying on me to come up with solutions for various bad things that are going on in their lives?!That's what's  baffling for me. The fact that I have to explain to people that this is just a bad phase and one more opportunity to come up with better coping mechanisms to emerge stronger in the future.

Baffling, I tell you.

I got in touch with a bunch of high school kids from my old school. They were preparing for an Economics Summit at a college. And it involved rescuing countries from economic oblivion. Just reading about it gave me panic attacks. Also, these kids have better ideas than I do. I couldn't even be joking about this.

And something about talking and spending time with these girls from my old school is bringing out someone I'd buried a long time ago. Someone who Googles nifty ways of using extra conditioner lying around the house,  (fabric softeners and as bath oils, who'd have thought?), new light ideas for the living room ( the trick is to do it in layers you guys! I'm going lamp shade shopping this weekend). Also I use a pencil box now, that contains a mickey mouse ruler and a Chhota Bheem  sharpener, and mostly pencils and one pen. My colleague was staring at it, so I explained to her that these are just goodies my mom gets to distribute to her patients and I think it's just "convenient" . But I'm not fooling myself. I love that damn sharpener. 

Also, it strikes me now, that as a drink, I've always preferred cranberry flavoured Breezers as opposed to anything else? Also, I just really like smileys. Like the yellow face with a black smile smileys. Any kind of smileys. 

13 Going On 30
I'm like this girl in the movie except I don't even have crazy miracles happening
to me. Also, how awesome is this movie? Answer: Very. 
Maybe this is just a phase, or a quarter life crisis manifestation or a sadass attempt at growing some roots and attachment or just me being silly, but it's comforting. So people can zip it and I'll let them borrow my stationary if they like. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Chris Nolan and Me.

Sometimes my head gets into this weird space. So I indulge in it and write out whatever's going on inside. Mostly they're just snatches of what to my head, could have been great stories and then I usually get super lazy and forget to finish it. 

This is one of those.....with a happy plot twist. 

It was a box. Many colors, many hues and glass walls that let the sun in. That box was a love letter from an architect to his beloved little daughter.

She would stare it for ages. Watch the patterns the sun made on the walls.This is where her invisible friends rested, where she'd have countless conversations with them in her little box of a room. To her mind, the world was a giant box with numerous shelves and hidden compartments. In receiving this box from her father, she'd told herself that this was one way of being part of the the series of boxes the world was. He'd made sure of that. Because he was a traveler, her father was, he'd drift away to different shelves and corners of the world and this was their way of being connected....knowing that she and her little box were contained now in the box that the world was.

This is what put her to sleep every night. An infinity of boxes pulling one layer of curtain after another till she'd close her eyes...the final curtain and sleep....contained in her own box of a body.

As she grew up, the box spilled over and her father didn't come back to replace it with anything else. She wondered about him often, coaxing herself to believe that he was probably trapped somewhere far away and couldn't find his way back. 

This is where I ended it because I didn't know what came next. 

Then they released Interstellar. I was repeatedly asked not to watch the movie cause "you won't get it." But then you should never ask me not do something on the grounds of my stupidity. When I came to that 5D scene I saw all those boxes...and my head exploded with the beauty and this strange niggling sense of familiarity... I can't quite put it in words. I squealed..."OMG...THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE INSIDE MY HEAD..THIS IS MAGIC" My friend rolled his eyes at me and said "see, I told you you won't get it. This is Science"

"Precisely," I said..."Precisely."

Friday, January 16, 2015

My YouTube Is Broken

Grandma: D, could you help me download Facebook and the people who live in it,  onto my Computer? I have a feeling they need to be saved from themselves. 

Me: That sounds like a noble quest but I'm not sure how you download Facebook and save it? I mean I'd look up one of those how-to videos for you on YouTube but my YouTube is broken. 

I'm not making that up, you guys, it's broken, see: 

This can't be the new look right? 
A friend says it's just because my internet is super slow. But everything else functions just fine. Why is Technology trying so hard to be a Sherlock episode? I don't get it. 

Also I just said "my YouTube is broken" , in a legitimate conversation. With my grandma. 

It can only get better right? 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

This Is Why You'll Always Regret Getting Me A Thoughtful Present

Every birthday mom gets me oversized clothing either as a let's-see-if-this-still makes-you cry-like-it-did-last-year test...or this is some weird mommy way of making fat jokes at me? Like alright woman...I get it..I'm gaining weight. But must you do this?

Weird thing that dress that was oversized? I actually wear it quite often now. And I'm not saying it fits...people are just used to seeing awkward ill fitting pieces of clothing on me I'm guessing...? Shut up, it doesn't fit. 

[Side note: I am just grateful that she didn't pack it with the white band aid thingy you tape to your wrist when you're getting a saline drip? Because she totally made me do that for a wedding present. I shit you not. Because "this house has run out of cellotape" and because at this point you think I'm making all this up here are pictures:

Nothing is more romantic than saline drip tape all over your wedding present

This is my half assed attempt to make it better. Turns out? I suck at drawing hearts.
I'm just really glad I was allowed to skip out on this wedding. ~shudder~ ]

In retrospect, I get that I'm definitely not an easy person to shop for. But I think that's a blessing in disguise because there are those times in life when you get presents from people that you will accept with a resounding Yes!

And at that moment it's not even about what you're getting from's just that they looked at it and went...yes she needs to have this.

I'm all... oh wow, you must really love me. And they're you're super shallow to just deduce that from what we gave you. So I have to explain that my mom loves me too, but she doesn't  really "get" me which is fine. Except these special people love me AND get me so I feel like the Universe is making them hug me on a deeper level...? by giving me things.At this point I realise  I need to shut up and I can see them slowly inching away from me.... 

I mumble something about  being high from standing too close to the bus engine or something.

Totally random? right? But  seriously...that ish gets to you. I remember pretending riding a giant concrete wave while going down a bridge and saying "wow the bus is my skateboard" and realising I just said that out loud. I'm really glad I got off at the next stop. 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

An Odd Way Of Keeping In Touch

This is something I needed to write about because I went through an emotional night last December. We both did but both me and mom managed to keep it very subtle and probably went to bed with a head full of un-shared thoughts. 

My dad when he was so sick, trying to make Ashley laugh, she was 5, he had on a clown wig, with his support stockings. He was the best daddy ever, and to his only grandchild he knew, Ashley he was an amazing grandfather.

At least I have this space to unload...

Mom: Oh God, what time is it?! 

Me: 2115 Hrs (yeah this is how I read time for fun) why? 

Mom: oh thank God...the weirdest thing happened today. 

Me: Okay and what does it have to do with the time? 

Mom: I'll tell you. I got a phone call. Someone called and said "Hi N, your dad speaking" I got a bit of a shock because....

Me: That would have established the fact that they're setting up phone lines up there in the heavens? 

Mom: Yes. So, turns out it's my Other Father. Dad-in-Law. 

(Ex Dad-in-law actually, but in India we're traditional like that). 

He's coming on this quiz show that Sourav Ganguly hosts? 

Me: Dadagiri??

Mom: Yes, do we have that channel? It starts as 2200 Hrs. Get on with it. 

Me: But mom? are you okay? what did you ask him?? This is so out of the blue!

Mom: I asked him if he won. 

Me: ~sigh~ and? 

Mom: He didn't say, said that's something we have to wait and watch. He also said that he's 82 and is going to be on a show called "Dadagiri" that literally translates to "bossing around" so it should be fun to watch him know...82 year old man...bossing! 

I logged into our TV account. We didn't have the channel in our scheduled pack because I'm frat girl picky about the channels we subscribe to. 

We watched the show. One and a half hours long. 
This is where I would post a video link to the show, but the website somehow skips through episodes 8, 9 and 10 in its video archives. I don't understand it either. 

Dude won. No kidding. (Mom: my God, if my dad had to stand and play for that long, he'd fall) 

I called him up after what must literally be ages. And it felt weird because we talked naturally, like we've been doing it everyday. He said he missed me, naturally, like an affectionate granddad would tell his grand kid....and "did you like seeing me on TV?" and "please call me once a month at least.I'm so happy to hear your voice" I told him he was completely cool on TV  and that I would save his number.

I haven't yet.

 Maybe I will. 

Maybe I'll start looking at him as the person that he is..."rockstar" as Dada(Sourav Ganguly) called him... As someone who translates Dante's works and recites it in the simmering summer evenings in Italy... Someone who's goofy enough to say "I may have misled the way" when host Sourav tells him "you are leading the way with your answer" in a group challenge. 

Displaying 2014-12-27-12-33-38--435101129.jpeg
This translates to Swag in Hindi :P 
Maybe then I won't have to look at the pain and hurt and the bad years that came with being "related" to him. It wasn't was more like he was a part of the nightmare that my life had become a long time ago. 

So  now- I relate to him. Oh yes, I do relate to him. 

And just like that? there is peace and an odd sense of....being connected. :')

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Happy New Year Because I Finally Get To Get This Off My Chest

I have quite a few things to say about how I spent my New Year's Eve, except doing  it without sounding very whiny would be super hard, so I'm trying to tone it down here...but watch me fail. 

I work for a business chamber and we are assisting with this Summit that's taking place in our State. Never been part of anything this huge so my boss assumes that this must be all very exciting for me. Since blending in is kind of like a priority  I suck it up and put on a happy face and go on with things. Unfortunately, mom is the very opposite of everything I like to stand for, so she showed up at the office at 10 p.m in the night to pick me up. 

I'm fucking 25 you guys, naturally I was traumatized. The boss totally pretended to understand and said "of course I would have dropped her as it's this late in the night." This was enough to appease mom so she made no arrangements to pick me up the following day (new year's eve). 

New year's eve and it was almost going to be 12, my boss suggests I tag along with the Corporate Head of the organisation who happens to stay in my area. Corporate Heads are as busy as they sound so there was no certainty of when this person was going to leave....I might have had to wait just to get a ride at some time as late as 2 a.m in the night. This is when I started to panic and called mom because I just couldn't believe that this was my life right now....That I was spending new year's eve at a godforsaken office and not even getting paid for it (there is no over time in the organisation I work for, but they do boast of the quickest appraisals). One panic call to mom later, my aunt and my uncle (who stay relatively close by) were coming to pick me up, daring the new year rush, traffic, blocked roads and everything. 

This is what "blending in" does to you,  guys, it makes people stay up and worry about you, it causes untoward stress to your loved ones and unnecessary trouble. Don't ever try to blend in, don't ever just go with the flow because you're too scared to ask for basic things like a drop home for yourself. 

It was a crappy new year. Every time someone wished me while I waded my way home through the party crowd I felt like I was being slapped across the face repetitively. 

A lot of introspection and oh-my God my life is awful moments followed. My colleagues told me the following day, that it was really just my fault because I didn't manage to "sort my life out and arrange things, and that there were two cars ready for the taking and I should have just taken one and gone home" The thing is, all of this was offered to me after I went through crap. They sounded as empty as my Boss's "I would have totally dropped your daughter home when it's gotten this late in the night." She didn't.  And I'm just very disappointed that it's come to this. That I have to demand obvious things instead of being guided through the mess, as should be the case for a relatively inexperienced employee....I guess this was very naive of me to assume. 

I'm ashamed that my constant fear and need to appease people makes my mom be "the bad guy" and she has had to pick up the phone and talk to my boss to  come to a settlement so  I get to leave at 8:30 p.m in the night instead of 12 a.m or later like the other employees. 

I try to treat this as a learning experience. I try to voice things out more now and not laugh so much, because obviously that's mistaken for easy compliance. I have also learnt that it's okay to not be so Goddamn honest, because you pay for it in the worst ways possible. I am guessing this is typical of a developing country where respect for human labour and dignity of work is given the least importance. Now every time someone talks about "brain drain" I want to punch them in the face. Brain drain? really? maybe stop being such assholes to your employees/students. 

Okay, I think I'm done with this ranty business. 

Today was better. Today was adventurous. I bought 10 Kgs of ice for a party that I wasn't even invited to (because that's how well my friends get me, they're like yeah we know you're not great with parties so we didn't bother inviting you...umm I don't know if I should feel flattered or insulted.) I liked to pretend that this was really just to hide bodies and just when I was beginning to feel like Dexter I got stalked. For real. Two guys in bomber jackets. It was scary as hell. So I took refuge in the ice shop till the car got there to pick me up. The shop was called "Perfect Ice".  I can't make this shit up. 

And when things begin to calm down again and I'm painfully close to the dejection spiral there are always random things to watch out for... this rickshaw man cheered me up without even trying:

Can you spot the kitties? 

He was gently nudging them awake in the cold winter evening, because it was time to work...time to make the rounds... He said they always rested there when he was on breaks or running other errands. And my heart  exploded from an overdose of cuteness and things were a little bearable again. 

Also this little kid playing with a black balloon with a skull painted on it: 

So random...and so very beautiful 

Maybe you need this too. This is what happy new years should look like...


Happy New Year. 

Let this be the year where you take no shit from anyone, quit second guessing yourself and always, always.... be kind to each other. 

Much love and hope.