Thursday, March 26, 2015

Downtown Abyss

You learn something new every day right? So I learnt that those black trays that you slide in and slide out and keep your keyboards on...are called adjustable keyboard trays. I bragged about that to my mom and she just looked at me and sighed.

That kind of condescension makes me uncomfortable though. Like when I forget to carry my pencil box to work, and I need my pendrive which happens to be in my pencil box. So I have to end up using someone else's pen drive? And then I come back home and find out that I had my pencil box in my bag the whole time? Does that make me a klepto pen drive hoarder? 

Someone get me a new pair of glasses and some extra pen drives. Please.

Speaking of things that make me uncomfortable...are books that don't fold know so when you're reading it eats up words so you have to unfold it so you can finish the line properly? I mean yeah fine I can guess that the materia will end in materials but why do you still want me to? Do I look like someone who would enjoy that sort of thing? 

My Boss has made it quite clear to me though that all this uppity uncomfortableness will go away if I had a rollicking affair and bring back the "much needed focus in your work, D". (I let her believe this was brilliant advice but the thing is,even if I did have an affair I'd probably end up falling in love with the poor chap and he'll run away scared and that would be one more thing in the list of shit that makes me uncomfortable.)   I wanted to clarify that my work has nothing to do with this. Work-wise, this isn't a phase. I'm just generally lackadaisical and she should probably fire me but I thought I'd leave that oscar winning monologue for a more opportune moment. 

I realise this post is rather sad. But I've been dealing with feeling sick and generally low for the past two weeks and I'm sort of glad that the sickness cloud has passed over. The  lowness is still here though.

So I'm doing what I usually do: watch beauty tutorials on YouTube and read Zomato comments...till I feel better.

 This reviewer literally zoomed out of "the hugest heartbreak"
 after trying out  "spicy sauces"...I'll have what she's having ;)

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

This Post Is Trying So Hard To Be Generally Aware

Modi's hot right? 

Why am I having these dreams about him? Tell me he's hot or that I'm not losing my mind. 

I mean of course I know you're supposed to know that Arjun Rampal and Akshay Kumar are the hot ones. 

But that's standard hot? I guess? There should be standards of hotness. And now I'm thinking about these little holograms on all these guys with hot and un-hot marked on them.  I'm going to jail, you guys.  Not that that's a big deal anymore. I could be sitting in a fancy restaurant in Mumbai, having a nice beef steak and kaboom! jail. It is of course beside the point that I cannot afford a beef steak in a fancy ass restaurant in Mumbai, right now. I can afford shoes though. Leather shoes to be precise. That's a good thing because I'm always on my feet and when I come home I can cuddle with a jar of peanut butter and thank Modi and dream about him? Full circle, bitches. 

Unrelated, I don't understand the Ed Sheeran madness? I mean I watched a video and came out thinking wow this dude really can lift a girl...a lot. And who is she... does she have a Twitter account? I want to know what she has for breakfast.

Also, just found out they're banning 50 Shades of Grey in India which is sad because then you'd have to go watch the movie for the plot...that's like watching your daily soaps for current affairs. 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

This Is The Closest I've Come To Writing About Sports- Hungover. Football- Genius Much?!

You know what would be fun to watch? Hungover Football. Like football except everyone would have to be hungover while playing? When I pitched this idea to a friend, it was immediately assumed I have a drinking problem. Or that I am an intolerant teetotaller. 

So I had to clarify that this in fact showcased my constant need to innovate and engage people in fun activities! (and now I sound like a CV...that must count as a skill right? can I put that on my CV?)

And then they just assumed I'm sadistic. (There's a history though: this friend I know, recently got married on Facebook. Or so it seems, because she's documented every.damn.move there...and that got me thinking if this is the future you guys. Getting married on social media. So anyway, she put up this profile picture with her hubby and it's in grey-tone. So I commented "may there be 50 shades and more..." with a winkey smiley, and somehow my friends think that was excessively inappropriate!! I think I'm going to be walking into a we-need-to-have-a-talk room full of concerned eyes any time now.) 

So I digress....
Hungover Football...would have to be...

a series of very quiet matches. So no  cheering or booing cause you're giving the players a headache you asshole...dude can't focus... let him be! Also no on-pitch shouting or any sort of commentary(which is a relief cause that ish puts me to sleep). 

And instead of getting caught for steroids and shit, the players could get caught pre- match evening, only if they weren't drinking enough. Or pretending to drink while they're only nursing a  glass of soda. I'm thinking there should be some kind of technology to detect that? 

I need to think this through, but everyone kind of stopped listening after I pitched that whole getting married on social media idea. My efforts are wasted I tell you...wasted

Saturday, February 28, 2015

February Wrap Up : time-has-stopped-and-I'm-in-weird-nostalgia-limbo

Hi you. I don't know where to begin, because that's what happens when you let all the little things that make you go "OMG I need to blog about this" in your head, pile up. And then you look at that pile and think, nah I'll just let it Usher says.

So I will tend to generalise and come up with a monthly trend thingy here. Also I can't believe I used the words "monthly trend" in my blog, that just sounds wrong, you get the picture though, right? It's been a month of nostalgia.

Sylvia Plath (I like to think of her as my soul sister, well, don't we all) sums it up pretty well. 

 I don't understand it when people get all hectic in February. Do you? 

I mean Februaries are supposed to be calm and a Priscilla Ahn song right? 

"The fish in the sea
Have many things to tell me 
Well what could they be? 
I'll never know I had to go
Because I don't associate with fish
So I continue to roam"

But according to people,  there hasn't been one single thing that I've done correctly this month. Really. I am trying  hard to recall here. But you know what? Nothing. And my whole life started to feel like those Hocus Pocus challenges. Where I need to spot the differences between the ideal world and my world.So eventually...I give up and utter a little whimper because all of this feels fine to me?And then you're shouting  at me and telling  me that  the little boy on the t-shirt of that man in that painting is bending a little more to the left than he should ideally (can't you see? it's so obvious!)

I don't know if I am making sense. I blame the swine flu. I got very sick this week and then I had to get flu shots.It wasn't swine flu though. Just the plague. Or something.  And ever since, I've been craving a bearded Bob Dylan look-alike to croon and sing to me while I sit by the lake and contemplate. Sadly, that ain't happening. 

But what did happen is, I ended up getting stranded and depressed at home. So I cleaned. I am such a hoarder, you guys. I had notes and stuff that I'd somehow accumulated from my Undergraduate years. My School leaving diaries...birthday cards from class 4...passport size photos of a friend(I suppose we were applying for entrance exams together) was so weird going through all of that, it felt like in that corner of my room, time had somehow stopped. Or you could just say I'm super lazy and never cleaned and put these treasures aside in a safe all this time. Shame on me. But I've had enough of that for now. 

And just when I was beginning to feel heart-broken and alone, my friend sent me  this picture of us doing the march past at school. I guess she had her time-has-stopped-and-I'm-in-weird-nostalgia-limbo moment too. 

It's like we're marching towards the apocalypse 

I am the one that looks like Gerard Manley Hopkins. 
Gerard Manley Hopkins. 

And somehow, all of me through this month. Instead of pining for the glory days gone by, I kind of feel strong in knowing that I was part of something special. A part of tiny bits and pieces of notes and memories that piled up high enough to drive an ailing future self with nothing better to do to,  to shrug and sort through it all, all over again and wonder if this is one Hocus Pocus Challenge she'd always win: In knowing what was truly ideal..and what isn't. 

Thursday, January 29, 2015

A Probable Quarter Life Crisis Manifestation. Or Something. :)

Hello... you've been very patient with me. I've had page visits of  posts I wrote when I started this blog? And sometimes I look at these and I'm all sheesh, what was I thinking? And now I have this terrible urge to delete everything and start afresh. But I know I'm just going to start writing about the same things again, and it will feel like deja vu (or whatever the correct spelling is). This blog is a lesson and a reminder that everything eventually must repeat itself. 

I spent the long Republic Day weekend alone at home as mom was traveling for a Pediatric conference. And I liked it, an unhealthy amount. Not the conference, the me- locking- myself- up- at- home,- reading- Gone- Girl-  and- pretending- we're- both- on- our- best-versions- of- vacation bit. (Technically, I get that it wasn't really a vacay for mom but she went to Delhi, and shopped. A LOT. So by her standards, it was definitely one)

So.... I've been feeling like bits of paper lately.Very.very.inert. There are 10 million things that I could be doing right now and that's paralysing me, the fact that there are 10 million things to do. 

Weird thing though? People are relying on me to come up with solutions for various bad things that are going on in their lives?!That's what's  baffling for me. The fact that I have to explain to people that this is just a bad phase and one more opportunity to come up with better coping mechanisms to emerge stronger in the future.

Baffling, I tell you.

I got in touch with a bunch of high school kids from my old school. They were preparing for an Economics Summit at a college. And it involved rescuing countries from economic oblivion. Just reading about it gave me panic attacks. Also, these kids have better ideas than I do. I couldn't even be joking about this.

And something about talking and spending time with these girls from my old school is bringing out someone I'd buried a long time ago. Someone who Googles nifty ways of using extra conditioner lying around the house,  (fabric softeners and as bath oils, who'd have thought?), new light ideas for the living room ( the trick is to do it in layers you guys! I'm going lamp shade shopping this weekend). Also I use a pencil box now, that contains a mickey mouse ruler and a Chhota Bheem  sharpener, and mostly pencils and one pen. My colleague was staring at it, so I explained to her that these are just goodies my mom gets to distribute to her patients and I think it's just "convenient" . But I'm not fooling myself. I love that damn sharpener. 

Also, it strikes me now, that as a drink, I've always preferred cranberry flavoured Breezers as opposed to anything else? Also, I just really like smileys. Like the yellow face with a black smile smileys. Any kind of smileys. 

13 Going On 30
I'm like this girl in the movie except I don't even have crazy miracles happening
to me. Also, how awesome is this movie? Answer: Very. 
Maybe this is just a phase, or a quarter life crisis manifestation or a sadass attempt at growing some roots and attachment or just me being silly, but it's comforting. So people can zip it and I'll let them borrow my stationary if they like. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Chris Nolan and Me.

Sometimes my head gets into this weird space. So I indulge in it and write out whatever's going on inside. Mostly they're just snatches of what to my head, could have been great stories and then I usually get super lazy and forget to finish it. 

This is one of those.....with a happy plot twist. 

It was a box. Many colors, many hues and glass walls that let the sun in. That box was a love letter from an architect to his beloved little daughter.

She would stare it for ages. Watch the patterns the sun made on the walls.This is where her invisible friends rested, where she'd have countless conversations with them in her little box of a room. To her mind, the world was a giant box with numerous shelves and hidden compartments. In receiving this box from her father, she'd told herself that this was one way of being part of the the series of boxes the world was. He'd made sure of that. Because he was a traveler, her father was, he'd drift away to different shelves and corners of the world and this was their way of being connected....knowing that she and her little box were contained now in the box that the world was.

This is what put her to sleep every night. An infinity of boxes pulling one layer of curtain after another till she'd close her eyes...the final curtain and sleep....contained in her own box of a body.

As she grew up, the box spilled over and her father didn't come back to replace it with anything else. She wondered about him often, coaxing herself to believe that he was probably trapped somewhere far away and couldn't find his way back. 

This is where I ended it because I didn't know what came next. 

Then they released Interstellar. I was repeatedly asked not to watch the movie cause "you won't get it." But then you should never ask me not do something on the grounds of my stupidity. When I came to that 5D scene I saw all those boxes...and my head exploded with the beauty and this strange niggling sense of familiarity... I can't quite put it in words. I squealed..."OMG...THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE INSIDE MY HEAD..THIS IS MAGIC" My friend rolled his eyes at me and said "see, I told you you won't get it. This is Science"

"Precisely," I said..."Precisely."

Friday, January 16, 2015

My YouTube Is Broken

Grandma: D, could you help me download Facebook and the people who live in it,  onto my Computer? I have a feeling they need to be saved from themselves. 

Me: That sounds like a noble quest but I'm not sure how you download Facebook and save it? I mean I'd look up one of those how-to videos for you on YouTube but my YouTube is broken. 

I'm not making that up, you guys, it's broken, see: 

This can't be the new look right? 
A friend says it's just because my internet is super slow. But everything else functions just fine. Why is Technology trying so hard to be a Sherlock episode? I don't get it. 

Also I just said "my YouTube is broken" , in a legitimate conversation. With my grandma. 

It can only get better right?