Saturday, October 3, 2015

Somewhere Between a Headache And A Bad Poet, There's A Lot That Remains To Be Said

I come from a broken home. 
With a burden I roam. 
Every day little by little, there's a Fact
That will eat into the play I enact. 

There's no respite, no running away
"You're an anomaly!" it screams and sways. 
"You weren't supposed to exist" Fact retorts. 
"You are a reminder of when love deports." 

"Your source is questionable," Fact points out, 
"Look how ugly it all seems now." 
"I get it Fact, " I cower and whimper. 
"Won't you let me be if I look at you and simper?" 

Thursday, October 1, 2015


Everything is annoying me.

There is one asshole in my office. I should probably practise gratefulness and say thank God there's only just one. 

But I've been in this annoyed frame of mind for quite some time now. And this has mostly to do with the fact that I'm being asked to do certain things at work that makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted. I may be completely off the mark here but that's why I wish there was a weird work-life balance guide because I clearly suck at it. 

So maybe I need to make a list of things I am looking forward to help me get through this: 

  • Long weekend ahead (there might be a possibility that I have to work on Saturday though? Shush little voice, let me soak this in) 
  • October is here! The weather, the friends coming to town with the Pujo just around the corner and a general sense of festivity... (I never was a sucker for the Durga Pujo crowd. It's maddening, there's a reason why me and mom would pack up and leave Kolkata at this time...OMG it's like I'm not even trying) 
  • My Garden. Yes. I water plants every morning...the first thing I wake up...and some of them are doing very well. Others are going to get showered with love this weekend. 
  • Furiously Happy is available in India from October 7. Nirvana :D 
  • I am getting a haircut this weekend. Forays shall be made into adventurous territories :p 
  • We are probably getting new furniture. (WTF me?) 
  • I am mentoring kids for a business fest. (This I am really looking forward to.) 
I really need to shut up now. 

But that's life right? It can't all be funny and awesome with jazz hands alerts... your best bet is to find the good parts, shrug away the anger and... 

PS. I was on this long bus ride home and a lady boarded the bus with a huge package. Turned out it was Kans grass.  And the grass flew everywhere spreading it's gossamery whimsy all over the bus. I thought she needed it as a prop for a pandal but she said she'd found it in an abandoned plot behind her office and she just wanted to take it home and decorate. As simple as that. 
A Scene from Pather Panchali. One of my favourite books ever. Kans Grass in the background

So when I go out in the crowd during the madness that is Durga Pujo...or just any kind of crazy gathering really, and feel like I am losing my head, I will think back to this woman and how we're all carrying our awkward packages not because that's our job but because sometimes it's what we decorate our lives around. 

Friday, September 25, 2015

"What do people do when they aren't working?"

I blame the long weekend for the suddent onslaught of posts I am subjecting you to.

Get ready for a play by play of exactly how gloriously I spent my Friday. I'll tell you why I feel need to do that though. It's because of something my Boss said last week. We were planning to leave home early in anticipation of raucous festivities on the streets in lieu of a Pujo and she said "What do people do when they aren't working?"

So here goes...

Maybe they take that pending guitar lesson. Learn how to tune the strings. It's fascinating. 

Maybe they go out and watch a good movie Boss...and spill popcorn all over their black t-shirt and eat a lot of popcorn even after the movie is over because why not? and because cheese dust. Yum. 

Maybe they also binge on dirt. The good kind. 

Chicken and tequila stuffed in potatoes...because that is apparently a thing..who knew Boss..who knew?!

Maybe they unexpectedly bump into has-been ancient Hindi soap stars who smile at them kindly and they feel weepy because soap star suddenly reminds them of a part of a life that is so dead right now.

Yeah. Just when the evening couldn't get any weirder
Maybe ...just maybe Boss they speed past empty stretches of streets that they only know as being  jam packed blocks of frustration that separate their home from their office.

You should try it some time Boss. Put your windows down, don't worry about the hair. Crank the music up and just....ride. 

PS. If I am the last person to watch Everest then this is a little redundant..but if not...please do. It's beautiful heart breaking and everything a movie should be. 

PPS. I don't know if my blog should have a trivia of the day thingy but there's this semi precious gemstone called Iolite. And it's of a unique blue black shade that reminds me of Dr Who a lot...and I know Sapphire is supposed to be my birthstone but I am adopting Iolite. It's me in a stone(nut)shell. 

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Happy Everything Should Be A Real Holiday

Yesterday was good. 

My teachers were so surprised and happy to see me. I think my school's a bit like a woolly mammoth. The moment you think all the warmth and glow of the world is extinct, you go to this refuge of an island where teachers will look at you the way they used to when you were a kid. They will remember the good you had  compared one of them to Halle Berry and how she always remembers that when she's having a hard time. They will look at you and tell you, you are brilliant. And for a second or maybe longer, you believe them too. 

I this. 

Today a friend is back in town faking a sick leave because she's been irritated with work in general. I totally understand and I thought of getting my old batchmates of college together as an impromptu reunion. So far 2 people have confirmed. And that's okay. Sometimes all you need is a kind word to get you through the rest of your life. 

 I am sharing gratefulness and kindness in this blog today..

I am so grateful that you stop by. Thank you. 

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Shining My Light guys! I am going back to school tomorrow and you're probably shrugging this off with a "meh...what's that to me" right now and I understand but this is a really big deal  so don't be a dick okay? School was to me what the railways were to really remote disconnected places in ancient times. As a kid,  just when I had started to accept that my life would suck forever, school happened, learning happened, friends...that feeling of being part of something bigger happened. And I would have said there was no looking back...but that phrase never made sense to me. Looking back is important I say. 

Also that whole phase was probably the golden age of my life. I have absolutely no trepidation to admit that high school was the peak for me and life after that was an absolute  downward spiral...something that I have only recently started to tackle and recover from. 

It's annoying that 2015 is almost over because I am not done with 2015. There is work, extra curriculars and bajillion other things to do but it gets tricky for people like me who suffer from decision phobia. And before you say that it's not a real thing, let me just confess I haven't yet decided if this is a really real or unreal thing either okay? All I know is that I have changed my whatsapp dp at least 20 times this month because I couldn't decide on one.

It's a little anti climactic therefore to announce that I am going to school tomorrow to speak at a subject fair to help 10th graders decide if they want to take up Economics as an elective in senior high. I know. I have been laughing ever since I got that call from my Econ teacher asking me if I would do this. is going to get very confusing for everyone concerned..

I have been reading up a little bit about school as I have been so out of touch. One of my favorite teachers in now the Vice Principal and I didn't even know! Also our school website is totally updated. All very surprising revelations. Couldn't have been prouder though. 

So this year the theme our school is following is "Shine Your Light" (this is also a new idea...we didn't have themes when we went to school...I suspect because we would do everything opposite of what the theme asked us to observe...we were one of the most notorious batches ever) and when I read it the first time I was thinking flash lights because you are lost in the woods and about to get murdered by a serial killer. 

And then I breathed a little and thought of that mellow Sunday light that gently falls on simple every day things...somehow making them stand out of the mundane...and that's the kind of light I'd like to shine...the vague stream of flighty dust particle light that you see through tiny holes in quiet dark places. That light? is kind of what school means to me and I really hope I don't muck it up tomorrow. 

Tuesday, September 8, 2015


Q: What's sadder than leaving?
Ans: Overstaying your welcome.

It's way past my bed time. I am sitting in a dejected heap in front of the monitor. Deadlines are whooshing past me as we speak. 

I need a holiday. Maybe two. Or a billion. 

Source: The Oatmeal 
I have a lot to say here, but I feel like it's as pointless as shouting through a locked door while holding the keys in your own hands. 

Absolutely pointless. 

Monday, August 24, 2015

"If You Light A Lamp For Someone Else It Will Also Brighten Your Path"

Hello Monday. 

I get that you must come at me with a vengeance, to prove some sort of a point. Not quite sure about what that point is. Although I am pretty sure it involves conveyor belts, awkward running shoes and an errant Frisbee...maybe?

But I hereby relinquish all my weapons to you. 

Instead I offer you this: 

Namu Myoho Renge Kyo 

In case you are wondering, no I haven't converted to Buddhism. I have been visiting a Japanese monastery close to my house,  for the past couple of days. It irks me that there's been this bit of haven all this time and I never knew of it. 

There is something about the drums beating to the tune of the chant of a quiet, kind monk, who later turns around and explains his prayers to you. He talks of nirvana, kindness and peace in a reassuring, friendly voice. 

On my first visit, I remember stepping out into the immaculate garden outside and wanting to weep for the peace that I felt in my heart...after so long... 

And all I can hope and pray for all of you is you feel it too.... Look beyond the harsh words that people find so easy to hide behind, look beyond the pain that you know your heart can't bear anymore and hold somebody's hand. Hold it like you'd hold a friend's hand. With understanding, with love and with strength. 

Let's  put our weapons down. 

I realise that our smartphones and tv sets and computers have created a superb illusion of us being a part of the world in a we're- alone-but-not-so-alone way...which is wonderful except when we replace that with real human connections. We blank out the obvious things and people that are right in front of our eyes...crying out for a bit of love...

It pains me to know I have done the very same things. Looked at someone and thought "this person is never going to get me, why bother trying to make a connection...I have way cooler friends I can whatsapp and they'll even think my jokes are funny. Screw you person staring at me like I'm an alien." 

I've been steadily wooed by being the only worthwhile way to connect to a peer. My feelings have always been distorted since forever..I am trying to step out of that way of thinking. Connecting to people have so little to do with the flutter in your belly and so much to do with the twinkle in your eyes. ( okay don't quote me on this one, I think I'm getting a tad carried away :p) 


I leave you with my little vision of hope here...something that's keeping me afloat

...and I am passing it on to you, world.